The emotional cycle of deployment describes seven emotional stages that people go through before, during and after the deployment of a partner or family member overseas.
Each and every deployment has a significant impact on partners and families left behind. We each deal with an upcoming deployment in different ways, but for all of us there tends to be a range of emotions we go through between the pre-deployment and post-deployment periods. These emotions are called the 'emotional cycle of deployment', which everyone goes through to some degree.
It's important to remember that the impact of a deployment doesn't end when everyone is home and together. In fact the most difficult period is usually the post-deployment period when partners, having become used to being apart, need to readjust. It is not uncommon for this to take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months, depending upon the nature of the deployment, separation issues that arose and the nature of the relationship before the start of the deployment.
Emotional cycle of deployment graph
Stage 1 - anticipation of loss
This involves the announcement and reality that the deployment is actually going to happen. Training takes place, health appointments are made and so on. We begin to think ahead and can become very task focused and practical, but at times can seem somewhat overwhelmed and angry - particularly if the decision is one you may not have been consulted on. We start to think of the needs of children and making alternative arrangements for all those things we relied on our partner to do as a matter of course. This ranges from the simplicity of preventative maintenance (such as checking when the warrant on the car is due, financial issues, household maintenance), to more emotional necessities (such as, are there any key birthdays or anniversaries when the deployment is on? Are wills up to date?).
Stage 2 - detachment and withdrawal
We can be eager and pleased, caught up in the excitement, or become more closed off and detached as the time for departure becomes just around the corner. It's not unheard of at this time for some relationships to have no sexual activity. This is a normal part of coping for some. It shows we are trying not to be too intimate and therefore protect ourselves a bit from the loss that is soon to come. It's similar to not wanting to depend on someone for fear of losing them and their support. It is very important at this time that you plan, in a flexible way, how you are going to spend your last day(s) together. Don't do anything you will look back on and regret, realising too late that you will not see that person for many months and will find communicating with them very difficult.
Stage 3 - emotional disorganisation
Once all the rushing and goodbyes are done, some people feel relief. But for many, a mild period of depression sets in over a week or two as the reality of not having someone there physically hits home. It's when children really start to miss someone and the need to be totally independent and self-sufficient becomes reality. We find ourselves quickly readjusting to the practicalities of the situation at home and the new pattern of online communication, letter writing and telephone contact. Be warned: don't expect reliable telephone and mail contact when you most need it. It's at this time we really need to make use of support networks. These can be police contacts, friends, family and/or other partners and families with members deployed. It is this last group you will find most understanding.
Stage 4 - recovery and stabilisation
After a while we establish our routine and adapt. Things become 'normal'. While we may miss the people we care for, we get used to being on our own. For some, this can be a really enjoyable time as we find freedom we had never really considered before. We try new things, maybe new hobbies. This is a very normal reaction and not an indication we are enjoying being apart, but simply focusing on the benefits of being on our own for a while. Some may be able to visit their partner for a holiday close to the theatre in which they are deployed. For a few, the pain of separation can be more difficult, but this is helped considerably by the preparation we put in before the deployment and taking advantage of the support available to us.
Stage 5 - anticipation of homecoming
Finally, homecoming is only two or three weeks around the corner and it'll all be over. We begin to make the arrangements we want for time together with friends and family. We start to plan for 'after the deployment'. For members deployed, this can be a more stressful time than they expect as they try to finish tasks, get things done and stay healthy and safe for the trip home. For family too, the fact we now have a date of return means that we have our own deadlines.
Stage 6 - renegotiation of the marriage contract
This may sound a bit surprising, but after spending so much time apart and adapting to the circumstances, don't expect everything to be the way it was before, when you are together. It will take time to adjust, even if we are simply not used to having someone physically there. For partners at home this can be a time when we don't want to give up some of the independence and self-reliance we have discovered. For members who have returned home, the experiences they have had on their deployment can change their outlook on key areas of their life. Be adaptable, talk to each other and listen to each other. Remember that while someone might appear changed, they are still the same. It's just that another part of them may have had the opportunity to express itself in the past months. For some people this stage can take several months.
Stage 7 - reintegration and stabilisation
Finally, things have settled and we have moved on. We feel that things are stable in our relationship and we no longer wonder what impact the deployment has had on our lives. It no longer dominates our thoughts and readjustment no longer dominates our feelings.